BECOMING A WIDOW

 I realize earlier I mentioned that my brother’s death was the saddest thing to happen in my life – of course I was talking about my school years. I’m pretty sure that becoming a widow would have to be the saddest thing that happened in my life…it was a very dark time. In all fairness, this is just my perspective because Jeff is not here to tell his perspective…

 

THE ACCIDENT…In February, I turned 25...I remember feeling old at the time, but I was happy & so pleased with my little family of 4...Jill was a brand-new baby & everything seemed so right with my world! Then, February 24, 1980...Jeff was in a car accident.

He was heading to the courts to play racquet ball. He said he remembers that the racquet had fallen off the seat next to him & he reached for it...& that is all he remembered. The police report said that when they came upon the scene Jeff was locked in the car, in the driver's seat & it appeared that he was having a seizure. They had to break the car window to get to him. He was taken by ambulance to the hospital where it was determined that he had suffered a concussion. After a few hours he was released & we were told to just watch him closely for headaches, dizziness, & other side-effects of a concussion.

Winston & Johnnie were there to take us home, but first they wanted to try to find our car to see how bad the damages were, so we headed downtown to the storage yard where they towed the car. On the way, Jeff had a grand mal seizure right there with me in the backseat of the Carter's station wagon. It was the scariest thing I've ever experienced. His face twisted & his body jerked - it was horrible for me to see because I couldn't bear the thought of him out of control like that & there was nothing I could do. I pulled Jeff close to me & tried to hold him. I yelled for Winston to pull over & give him a blessing...it was the only thing I could think of to do. As Winston pulled over & reached across the front seat to give Jeff a blessing, Jeff went from rigid to limp & began to vomit in my lap. We went straight back to the hospital where they did an EEG & a CAT Scan & admitted him to ICU for close monitoring & observation. More tests would follow….more doctors…more tests…

 

THE SEIZURES…Jeff continued to suffer from seizures, not grand mal seizures, but "partial spasmatic seizures" which were more like little day dreaming episodes or spells of confusion. There didn’t seem to be a pattern to them & they occurred randomly. He never felt them coming on so he couldn’t prepare for them. As it turned out, Jeff was put on Dilantin, a medication that is supposed to prevent seizure activity. The doctor said he should take it at least 6 months until he has time to adjust after the trauma. 

Jeff refused to take the medication at first. He wouldn’t talk about it & he got mad if I asked questions & insisted that I not talk to anyone else about it. I wanted to try to better understand so I could deal with it myself. He thought I was being negative/pessimistic. This was upsetting to me & I was having a hard time dealing with the situation. He insisted on driving which scared me to death! He didn't want to be dependent on the medication. We knew that if it didn't clear up, it might keep him from being a doctor & that would destroy him!

 

He eventually went on the medication & when one medication would lose its efficacy, they would change it up to a stronger medication. The meds altered his personality & moods. He became more & more withdrawn. I felt like he was avoiding me. This brought about feelings of inadequacy & depression because I felt like I couldn’t make Jeff happy. I doubted my ability to have the faith needed to get through this difficulty. He had multiple priesthood blessings & I started to wonder if we both lacked the faith needed to see our miracle. The bishop said that healing blessings needed to be specific & not general in nature. Through them all, I didn’t feel like my prayers were being answered, but I knew the Lord heard them & I knew that He was aware of our little family.

 

I paid close attention to his seizures & recorded them, looking for a reason/pattern for them. Dr Lawrence & Dr DeShazo (neurologists) referred to them as “seizure disorders” in other words “epilepsy.” They suspected they may be caused by a congenital defect that has been dormant until now or perhaps there is a tumor which they will continue to look for during regular CAT scans. If it is a tumor, it is too tiny to detect right now. Needless to say, this diagnosis sent Jeff into a spiraling depression. He felt like his life was ruined. 

 

In 1984, Elder Vaughan J Featherstone, was visiting Memphis on assignment & Winston was able to get an appointment with him to give Jeff a special blessing. I went in with a crummy attitude, convinced that this was a waste of time. He’s had so many blessings already! I was concerned that the Lord might think we lacked faith by continuing to seek more priesthood blessings. In that blessing, Elder Featherstone said that “through Jeff’s faith & obedience to the gospel that he would be ‘cured’ whether it be through the miracle of medicine or sophisticated surgery.” I remember wondering if we’d live long enough to have access to such a method of surgery, not realizing that it already existed!

 

 

THE SURGERIES… Jeff’s doctors worked closely with the Epi-Center in Memphis & we learned that Dr Allen Wyler was transferring to Memphis to be the new director of the Epi-Center. Dr Wyler was a pioneer in correcting seizures through surgery.  Jeff’s whole demeanor changed when he learned this…it gave him hope for the first time. Jeff was Dr Wyler’s first patient in the Memphis area on January 27, 1985. The surgery took 5 hours & Dr Wyler felt confident that they were successful in removing a scar/damaged area that was causing his seizures. 

 

It worked for a while but his seizures gradually came back & in August of 1987 it was determined that a second surgery was needed, perhaps they didn’t get all of the damaged area. Although this stopped his seizures, he had terrible headaches, occasional double vision, & just felt lousy all the time…& yes, the seizures gradually game back. After a third surgery in May 1989, Dr Wyler assured us that all of the problem area was removed this time & Jeff shouldn’t have any more problems. The night before this last surgery, Jeff told me that the best outcome would be for him to die on the operating table. I was so frustrated with his attitude, but he’d been dealing with this for over nine years! He was done.

 

Jeff never really recovered from that surgery & began a rapid decline…I kept complaining to the doctor & he determined there was no reason for Jeff’s deterioration & called him a “failure to thrive” patient. He finally agreed that I should bring him to the hospital for more tests. We barely got him there when he collapsed & they rushed him to ICU June 1989. A total nightmare followed with weeks of complications from hydrocephalus, to pneumonia, to dangerous blood cell counts, several transfusions, ventilation, an emergency ventriculostomy, an eventual permanent VP Shunt, a tracheostomy, & a respirator leaving him sedated & comatose, yet he could follow simple commands like squeeze my hand, etc. It was quite the roller coaster – as his body just seemed to shut down causing a snowball effect of symptoms - we almost lost him several times, then he got better but never BETTER! I know that as we were all praying for him to get better, he is praying to die. Whose prayer does the Lord answer?

 

Jeff died August 14, 1989. He slipped into a deep coma & suffered a massive stroke on both sides of his brain. This left him with no brain activity & the ventilator was keeping him breathing. When they unhooked him, he slipped through the veil…we agreed to an autopsy which revealed a rare form of cancer in the lining of his brain. All along the doctors kept chasing symptoms & thought his irregular bloodwork was due to other complications.

Cause of Death: A. Leptomeningeal malignant melanoma B. Massive cerebral edema C. Aspiration pneumonia

THE SADDEST…

It is sad that Jeff was in such pain, physically & emotionally & that he suffered so much. He deserved a better life… 

 

It is sad that Jeff is no longer with us.

 

It is sad that our marriage suffered because of his health – it was the biggest problem in our marriage – neither one of us were in control.

 

It is sad that 5 beautiful children have to grow up without their dad…Terri & Ty probably won’t remember anything about him…that really makes me sad.

 

It is sad that Jeff’s parents had to bury their son.

 

It is sad that the doctors didn’t notice Jeff’s cancer, perhaps his treatment would have been different. 

 

It is sad that I was not financially prepared to take care of my little family.

 

It is sad that I had a few mental breakdowns – literally on the floor, paralyzed, sobbing out of control.

 

It is sad that I made a lot of stupid mistakes & poor choices because I just didn’t care…but I really did care, I just didn’t know what to do or how to do it…not making excuses.

 

It is sad that I took out my frustrations on my children – they didn’t understand & they certainly didn’t deserve my fits of anger.

 

It is sad that I didn’t seek professional help right away to learn to cope with the cycles of grief.

 

It is sad that I felt like I needed to move away from Memphis in order to move on – it was the only home my children knew.

 

It is sad that we had to say goodbye to the Carters – I’m sure they felt like they were losing Jeff all over again.

 

It is the saddest.

 

I’M A SINGLE MOM…Being a single mom was not fun! Those were the darkest days of my life. No one helps you make the decisions. You just go through the motions because life (or death) happens whether you are ready for it or not. That first year after Jeff died, I really struggled with life…I didn’t care about anything except my kids. I threw myself into their activities & tried not to think about the future because I wasn’t prepared! I was terrified! I had ignored my patriarchal blessing’s warning to “continue thy studies (at BYU) & prepare thyself for a worthwhile vocation in life so you will be prepared to support yourself in the event those you are dependent may not be able to continue their assistance.” I had neglected to plan for the future because I was short sighted. All I wanted to do was be a wife & a mother, so that’s what I did. Before I knew it, I found myself without the skills/education to provide for my family. So, I started the uphill task of going back to school at Memphis State University to become a teacher.

 

I didn’t feel like I had the support I needed in Memphis. The Carters were very private people & when people would ask them how I was doing, they said I was doing fine. They never asked me how I was doing, although they watched the kids for me when I needed & would invite us to dinner often. I rarely saw my church friends outside of church – I was no longer a “couple” so that made things awkward. I felt like when I saw people at church, they would avoid me because they didn’t know what to say to me. I was an unpleasant reminder that life can change in an instant & they were uncomfortable around me. My gym friends were great! They tried to keep me busy & cheer me up,  inviting me to go out/hang out - but they were drinkers & partiers & not the best influence for a young mom with 5 kids to be around. I felt a longing to go home. I needed a fresh start.

 

I made the difficult decision to move back home to Bakersfield to be closer to my family & let my mom get to know my Carter Critters. This broke the Carters’ hearts & they didn’t understand why I would want to move away from them. They were concerned that we would fall away from the Church because my family aren’t members, but I knew my family would support me. We made the move in July 1990. I remember the LONG drive across the country & finally driving up to my mom’s house & collapsing into her arms, sobbing when I got inside. She just held me with tears trickling down her cheeks. I needed my mom to help me through. She’s the toughest single mom I’ve ever known.

 

I still struggled, I’m not gonna lie. I made mistakes. I lost my temper often & started yelling. I was angry & then I’d feel bad & try to make up for it. I was irresponsible with money & I tried so hard to keep the kids (& probably myself) distracted with trips to Disneyland, movies, playing with cousins, soccer, baseball, dance, cheerleading, swimming…anything fun! I transferred to Cal State Bakersfield, worked 2 part-time jobs, & started a recreational & All-Star Cheerleading program for my girls. And I made sure we went to Church…I believe this alone kept me sane. I felt God’s love for me when I went to Church. It strengthened me. My hat goes off to single moms…it was the most difficult & saddest time of my life.

 

GRIEF…Grief is a process.  It is a deeply personal experience, & there is no right or wrong way to grieve. People experience a ton of conflicting emotions – physiological distress, separation anxiety, denial/confusion, sadness/anger, despair/fear, bargaining, depression, & acceptance...are just a few.  I learned that these emotions are normal & help you process/work through such devastating grief.  It can trigger irrational behaviors as we learn to cope & heal. I experienced all of these things while Jeff was ill & dying, literally before my eyes.  The Lord was patient with me as I struggled for years with these challenges & there were many moments when I felt His love & concern for me.  One particular time I had gone to the temple fasting...this was a big deal because the Atlanta Temple was a 10 hour drive from Memphis!  After the session, sitting in the celestial room, I felt a warmth of comfort enfold me & I knew that Heavenly Father loved me & that I would be okay.  Jeff died that next Monday, 2 days later.  After his death, my home teacher gave me a blessing & reminded me that, "Heavenly Father has a plan for my happiness & that if I would seek His guidance, He will help me find that happiness."  I believe this with all my heart!  I have been given a 2nd chance...just like the promise of repentance...we all get 2nd chances.  When plan A doesn't work out like we had hoped, there WILL be a plan B. I eventually turned to counselling. This gave me a better understanding, tools, & support I needed to work through the myriad of emotions that followed Jeff’s death.