FRIENDS

Friends have always been important to me.  Being the only girl in my home with three older brothers, I enjoyed a little "girl time" with friends. 

In the Hood - We moved around quite a bit when I was really young, but when we moved to Bakersfield in 1962, I met my BFFs for life, the Hargis girls, Bonnie Lou, Lorrie Linn, & Cindi Colleen.  I. LOVED. THESE. GIRLS.  I still do!  They are such a huge part of my life!  We moved in right across the street from the Hargis family when Bonnie was pregnant with Cindi.  I was fascinated with Lorrie (who was only four at the time) & Daren (who was only two).  They were the cutest kids I'd ever seen & I enjoyed playing with them, they were like my little baby dolls.  Bonnie was always so kind to me & took an interest in me.  She was so patient & let me hang out, always made me feel welcomed.  These people have always been more like family to me.  We call regularly, write, & share our lives often.  Of course, Facebook makes it easier to share & keep up & I'm okay with that.  I love them dearly & I know they love me.

Next door to them were the Brooks kids, Laurie was my age, Marty a year or two younger, & Diane a couple years younger still.  Patty, their Mom, played the piano & taught me a few basics because i would always want to play on their piano when I was over at their house...I'm sure she got tired of me just banging on it, so she was nice enough to teach me my way around the primer level books & how to read the notes.  There weren't many girls my age in our neighborhood so I spent most of my time across the street.  The Brooks family introduced me to Cathy Correa & Dancers Workshop...a huge part of my childhood!  I've kept in touch with Laurie through letters through the years & now I only hear from her through Facebook but she remains one of my favorite childhood friends.

Norris School Friends - The Brooks kids went to a private catholic school but the rest of us in the neighborhood went to a small county school, Norris Elementary School.  Bonnie Hargis' dad helped build it - it was the first public school in Kern County.  But it was small.  There were only three girls in my 2nd grade class - me, a chubby girl named Beverly & a black girl named Jackie.  By default, I was pretty popular.  In the 60s, racial tensions were high & Jackie was picked on quite a bit.  It really bothered me & I asked my mom why the kids treated her so poorly?  She tried to explain it to me, but it is difficult for a seven year old to wrap their brain around the idea of discrimination/racism.  My mom has always been accepting of others & let us know that it was important to treat everyone with respect.  Jackie was my favorite friend at school & others didn't pick on her when she was with me.  She moved at semester & several other girls had moved into the area by the end of the school year.  One of the new move-ins was Marian Carter.  We stayed friends all through school & into our adult life.  Marian moved when we started high school, but we wrote to each other & kept in touch until she passed away in the mid 90s.

North High School Friends - Most of my high school friends were my brother Dickie's friends.  After he passed away, they sort of adopted me.  It was unusual for upper classmen to befriend a younger classman, but my brother's girlfriend, Carol Churchwell became my BFF.  She took me everywhere with her.  The death of my brother & his friend brought our entire high school close together, everyone seemed to value one another & did things together in groups without pairing off.  I had a lot of good friends, boys & girls alike.  I also developed great friendships with my cheerleader buddies.  I loved my high school experience; however, I do not keep up with any of these friends.

I met the "twins" my freshman year of high school.  Dave was in my English class.  He was so friendly in class, but when I saw him in the halls, he acted as if he didn't know me.  It was really confusing.  Then one day when I was waiting for my ride home, Dave came around the corner with his twin brother, Darrell...that explained a lot!  When I explained to them that I thought Dave was being rude, we got a big laugh & we became great friends.  The twins were athletes, playing several sports & I was a cheerleader so we attended games together & hung out afterwards all through high school.  I haven't really maintained a relationship with my high school friends except for those close family friends that my brothers knew, too...the Yorkshire, the Brewtons, etc.  Mostly through Christmas Cards or Facebook.

Church Friends - Many of my friends growing up we're LDS; however, none of them ever invited me to church with them.  I went to all the Young Life activities (a Christian teen organization) & really enjoyed those associations with many of my Catholic friends.   Although I had a crush on Darrell (one of the twins) all through high school, it wasn't until our senior year that we went from being more than friends.  This is when I learned that he was a Mormon.  He would take me to church dances & I learned that some of my best friends who were there were Mormon, too.  Debi Bozanich really befriended me & answered a lot of my questions, although she was semi-active.  I looked up to these church friends because they didn't drink or sleep around, they just had good clean fun in groups & I really liked that...it felt safe & right.  Their examples is what lead me to really investigate what the Mormons were all about.  I have actually maintained a friendship with Darrell & his family through all these years, mostly Christmas Cards, but I will visit his parents occasionally when I'm in Bakersfield.  I have also maintained a close relationship with Deber - emails makes this most convenient.

Gym Friends - I met a lot of great friends through my activities in gymnastics.  We all shared the excitement, creativity, & beauty of acrobatics & movement.  We spent long hours together at practices & meets & coaches/judges conventions.  They were very supportive of me & encouraging when things became difficult with Jeff's health.  Unfortunately, they lived a different lifestyle & did not set the best example for me when it came to keeping the Lord's standards - they didn't understand my desire to live those standards & were pulling me away from what I wanted for me & my family.  We are still good friends...I have maintained a long distance relationship through phone calls, mail, & emails.

Celebrating Gene's 30th Birthday; Gene, Donna, & I standing.
Seated, Diane Durham, Becky Hutt, ?, ?, Dawn Bratton, Sandy Garrett McDaniel, Leann Cannon 

What Does It Mean To Be a Friend?  A friend is someone who is accepting without judgement.  They love you unconditionally & encourage you to want to be better...to make good choices.  They support you in your dreams & goals.  The following is an article I wrote for my niece's blog about being a friend...it pretty much describes how I feel about friendship.

Be That Friend!

"Everyone hopes to find one true friend who's that kind you can count on for forever and a day.  Be that friend, be that kind that you've prayed you might find and you'll always have a best friend, come what may."  Michael McClain

When I was asked to write down my thoughts on "How to make friends as a grown woman," I was stumped.  After all, Isn't this one of those lifelong challenges that most women struggle with?  Especially those of us that have moved around a lot and had to "start over" again and again?  Then the thought came to me...this should be a lifelong goal for all of us whether we have moved around a lot or not...one can never have too many friends, so hopefully we are all still collecting friends no matter how grown up we think we are.

However, the question sent me on a little self-evaluation mission...that's right...SELF-evaluation.  What kind of friend am I?  It's not my job to evaluate my friends.  Mother Theresa told us that "if you judge people, you have no time to love them."  And In Proverbs 18:24 we read, "A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly..."  Even Ralph Waldo Emerson tells us, "The only way to have a friend is to be one."  So how friendly am I?  Am I the kind of friend to others that I want to have for myself?

I grew up in a small town and went to the same school (with basically the same friends) for about 12 years.  I felt like I was popular - at least I knew lots of people and they knew my family and I felt like I had lots of friends.  (I am still in contact with my cherished childhood friends.)  But then I went away to college, a very large college.  I shared an apartment with 5 other girls that I didn't know nor did I have much in common with.  None of my childhood friends came with me to college and all of a sudden, I felt alone!  This was a very foreign feeling to me...loneliness.  So I had to start from scratch to find some new friends.  My survival instincts drew me to something familiar - I love gymnastics so I tried out for the team and made it.  Once I started working out with the gymnastics team I found great friends among my teammates.  It seems easier to make friends with people that you have something in common with. 

As a newlywed, I moved to the other side of the country to my husband's hometown in Tennessee.  I didn't know anyone, so I set out to start collecting new friends.  It didn't take long to find a friend at church who was also a newlywed, in similar circumstances as me.  We shared a deep friendship as we helped each other through those exhausting child bearing years.  We supported one another as we watched each other's kids so we could go to the grocery store or clean the house or take a nap!   This seemed to be the time in my life when it was the most difficult to build and maintain friendships because of the demands that small children have on our time and energy.  The best way to build that deep bond of friendship is to offer loving and sincere service.  The more my friend helped me, the more I wanted to do all I could to help her, too.  It was a strong and lasting friendship filled with love and service - we are still the best of friends today.  According to CS Lewis, "Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art...it has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival."  This was very true in this situation.

It was even more true after the death of my first husband.  I felt it was best to move my family back to California and I had to say goodbye to some very dear friends in Tennessee.  I remember those friends saying "let's keep in touch!"  I knew in my heart that, sadly, this would probably NOT happen.  Everyday life gets in the way...and it takes a lot of effort to maintain long distance friendships when in reality, they rarely become more than names on a Christmas Card list.  That does not mean that the friends you move away from are not an important part of your life, it just means that it isn't practical to maintain that same level of friendship through the mail.  So again, I needed to collect some new friends.

Another challenging thing about developing new friendships is the dreaded clique monster!  My heart aches when I see those who form exclusive friendships and don't let new people in - they don't understand the value of true sisterhood and are missing out on some great relationship opportunities.  It is easy to befriend those you have things in common with, but some of my favorite friends have been those that are very different from me...they have helped me to see things from a different perspective because of their diverse experiences.  We all should broaden our friendships more, it brings added value to our lives.

I have since re-married and relocated yet again, collecting even more friends.  I have tried to  learn from friends I have admired through the years.  I set out to do my best to be the kind of friend I want to have.  It requires patience, courage, and effort. 

What I have learned:  We need to be patient with others and give them time to get to know us, to see that we are genuine and sincere.  It takes courage to put yourself out there.  It is human nature to be somewhat reserve around new faces, but it is important to look people in the eye, say hello, and smile!  This lets people know that you are approachable and outwardly friendly.  People want to be around people who are pleasant and happy.  If you wait for others to approach you, you may be sorely disappointed because they may be too timid to approach you first.  You need to make an effort to take the first step, or even the second or third.  Take time to say hello to new faces, introduce yourself to them, and show an interest in them.  Finding out about them can help you find common ground and begin to establish a new friendship.  Volunteer in your church, school, or community.  Some of my favorite people are those that I have served with on various committees or events.  We learn to love and appreciate the people we serve.  This also shows others that you know how to share your time when they see that you are giving and willing to help.  Be aware of others and try to include them - make them feel welcome and your circle of friends will continue to grow and enrich your life.  Don't be afraid to "be that friend."

Jenny Middleton (2011)

Wife, Mother of 10, Grandmother of 23, Collector of friends.